UWT Jackrabbits

The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg.

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No one thought it possible. Even after quarterback Kelly Webb had lead the Jackrabbits through a miracle season and a ten-game winning streak, all looked lost heading into halftime. Kelly’s breakup with wide receiver Josh Miller, which happened just days earlier, was having a disastrous effect on both players’ concentration. Only running back Rooster Henderson was providing any offense for UWT. The score was 26-12 at the half and a fight broke out in the Jackrabbits’ locker room.

"Josh was mad at me. Rooster had betrayed me. The coach wasn’t supporting me. It felt like the whole team, the whole crowd, and the whole world was against me,” Kelly said after the game. “Rooster said I thought I was better than everyone else. And that’s when I realized that he was right and…it’s still hard for me to say this…and I was wrong.

"I thought football players were dumb, but they learned my complicated plays every week. All the math and science and history — they mastered it. And I thought football players were selfish, but they never complained when I got all the glory. And I thought football players were mean, but they took me to their parties and me popular…for the first time in my life.

"I realized that football isn’t mindless. It’s elegant and even beautiful. And football players are some of the best people I’d ever met."

Kelly, Rooster, Josh, the coach, and the rest of the players reconciled, but Kelly was out of trick plays. That’s when all the lessons she had taught her teammates finally kicked in. Rooster designed one play that netted the Jackrabbits a touchdown. With the clock ticking down and UWT down by four, linebacker Augie Howard used another trick play to force a fumble and gave the Jackrabbits one last shot at victory.

Kelly said, “I called a trick play that utilized the sun’s rays, since the sun was setting into the Rattlesnakes’ eyes. But the problem was that it blinded Josh and all the other receivers, and by the time they were open, the sun was down and all the defenders were heading straight for me.”

Kelly took the ball herself and raced to the two yard-line, only to be stopped by the Rattlesnakes’ Butkus Award-winning linebacker, Brandon Carver. He even had her by the ponytail — legally a part of Kelly’s uniform, according to NCAA rules. But Kelly fought against the immense pain, stretched out her arm, and put the ball over the goal line. The Jackrabbits had won.

"And she made sure to give credit where it’s due," said a swaggering Rooster after the game. "She told all the TV cameras what a great player I am." In fact, Rooster is likely to be the Denver Broncos’ first pick in the draft.

"And I told the world that Kelly and I are now back together," said Josh. He proved it by kissing her in front of a screaming crowd on national television.

So what about next year? “Coach Walker likes my plays, but I think I’ve eaten enough turf — even for a vegetarian,” Kelly joked. “I’ll probably be on the sidelines next season as a student coach.”

A fitting end to a crazy, memorable year.

In fact, the whole season seems almost like a movie.

The UWT Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. Get more information here.

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We had heard rumors around campus, but now wide receiver Josh Miller has personally confirmed to us that he and quarterback Kelly Webb have ended their relationship.

"We’re two very different people," Josh told us. "I took her to a rap metal concert and a rodeo. She took me to a poetry reading, an art museum, and a foreign film. A foreign film! I had to read subtitles — it was almost as bad as reading a book!

"But what really made me sour was how the popularity went to Kelly’s head. First she was confused by the fans, then she loved them, and then she started feeling superior to them. When one little kid finally wanted a photo with me instead of her, she got all jealous! It was just too much."

When we finally tracked down Kelly (who has been skipping classes to avoid reporters), all she would say was: “I’m under a lot of pressure to lead this team and set an example for other women athletes. It’s too bad that Josh didn’t want to support me.”

When told of Kelly’s comment, Josh just shook his head.

When told that Josh just shook his head, Kelly just shook her head.

Hopefully the two can patch things up in time for the Wildflower Bowl, which kicks off at 1 pm Central time on December 31.

The UWT Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here.

The following is a full transcript of quarterback Kelly Webb’s interview on ESPN’s SportsCenter at 7 pm Central time on November 26.


John Anderson: For twenty years, the University of West Texas has been a doormat in its conference, but this season a walk-on player has turned the program around.

Chris Berman: We’re joined by the first female quarterback in college football, Kelly Webb.

Kelly Webb: [reading cards] It’s great to be here. I enjoy your show almost as much as I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip salad…dressing? [looks off-screen]

John Anderson: What’s it like being the only girl on the team?

Kelly Webb: [reading a card] I’m grateful for the chance Coach Walker has given me and proud to play for the Jackrabbits.

Chris Berman: Do the guys give you a hard time?

Kelly Webb:[reading a card] We have fun, but we’re really focused on winning.

Chris Berman: The team is firing on all cylinders. Diego Vasquez has kicked twenty straight field goals.

Kelly Webb:[reading a card] The player you mentioned has a great attitude and a lot of heart.

John Anderson: Is there anything else you can tell us about him?

Kelly Webb:[shuffling through the cards] Uh…we’re just taking it one game at a time?

Chris Berman: Come on, Kelly. You’re right beside Diego for every kick. How does he do it?

[Unknown voice near Kelly Webb]: Stick to the cards!

Kelly Webb: I…helped him. I taught him basic meteorology.

Chris Berman: Really!

Kelly Webb: Weather has a lot of variables, but Diego only knew about wind direction.

John Anderson: All right. What about Augie Howard? Fifth in the nation in sacks.

Kelly Webb: Yeah, that’s great.

John Anderson: Did you have a hand in that, too?

Kelly Webb: I just had to explain rock strata to him. And I improved on Brunel’s theories.

Chris Berman: And we can’t forget Rooster Henderson. He’s put up some big numbers this season.

Kelly Webb: After I showed him how aerodynamics work. He got the hang of it. Eventually.

John Anderson: So, Kelly, are you taking credit for the whole team’s success?

Kelly Webb: Well, I mean…I guess I am.

John Anderson: Wow.

Chris Berman: The only player we haven’t mentioned is your favorite target, wide receiver Josh Miller. What did you teach him?  

Kelly Webb: Oh, he doesn’t need help with football. He just…sometimes needs help with…his homework. I mean, I help him, but just as a friend. It’s not like we’re dating or anything!

Chris Berman: That’s an interesting —

Kelly Webb: All right, we’re dating! Just stop interrogating me!

John Anderson: Well, we’d love to pursue that…revelation, but we’re out of time.

Chris Berman: I bet we’ll have lots of comments on our website, though.

John Anderson: We’ve been talking with UWT quarterback Kelly Webb, who has guided her team to a 10-2 record and a trip to the Wildflower Bowl.

Kelly Webb: I did?

John Anderson: Kelly, don’t you know your own team’s record?

Kelly Webb: I…uh…

Chris Berman: We’ll be right back.

The UWT Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here.

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After so many brilliant strategies, quarterback Kelly Webb may finally have outsmarted herself.

In Austin, down 24-21 with only seconds left on the clock, the Jackrabbits lined up to kick a field goal and send the game into overtime. According to players, Kelly changed the play after the ball was snapped, standing up to throw a game-winning pass instead of kneeling to hold the ball for kicker Diego Vasquez.

A very angry Rooster Henderson told reporters afterwards, “Everyone’s running around, trying to block or get open, and Kelly yells at me, ‘The second N, count to ten.’ What the heck is that supposed to mean?”

"I meant the second N in ‘Longhorns,’ which is spelled out in the endzone," Kelly explained in her own press conference. "Rooster was supposed to get to the N after ten seconds. Was it too complicated? Does he not understand letters?"

Whether Kelly was unclear or Rooster misunderstood, the result was that Kelly’s pass went to no one, soaring right out of the endzone. And just like that, the Jackrabbits’ miracle season was over.

"Josh would have understood," Kelly insisted to reporters, referring to her wide receiver/boyfriend Josh Miller. "Then maybe she should talk her stupid code to him next time,” Rooster replied.

All Josh would say to the press was, “A fake field goal was a pretty bold call. Maybe…too bold.”

Players and Coach Walker all  expressed frustration with Kelly. “I called a field goal,” Coach Walker said. “What she did was dumber than a second coat of paint.”

What’s worse, due to unlikely wins by Auburn, USC, and Oklahoma this weekend, the Jackrabbits will probably end up in the Wildflower Bowl against the Great Plains University Rattlesnakes. Any hope of finishing #1 in the polls is gone.

"Obviously I’m upset," Kelly told reporters. "I need my plays to work." She was about to get up when she added, "My plays are all I’ve got."

We’ll get to hear more from Kelly during her interview on ESPN’s SportsCenter, Monday at 7 pm Central time.

The UWT Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here. 

UWT and rest of the college football world was rocked with the news that quarterback Kelly Webb, a Davey O’Brien Award and Heisman Trophy candidate, has started a relationship with Josh Miller, the leading wide receiver on the team.

After the Jackrabbits steamrolled Oklahoma State, 39-17, the two players sat down with us for an exclusive interview.

First, congratulations on the big win.
Josh: Thanks! Kelly’s trick plays have really turned this team around. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that a lot of her strategies involve me.
Kelly: You have a higher probability of catching the ball than the other receivers. I’m just playing the odds.

How long have you been dating? 
Josh:Since the Sigma Alpha “November to Remember” party.
Kelly: The night of the Leonid meteor shower.

So…what happened?
Kelly: I went up to the roof to see the meteors —
Josh: And I joined her.
Kelly: Josh was having trouble with his astronomy homework, so I started pointing out the planets to him.
Josh: And then she kissed me.

Wow. 
Kelly: In my defense, I wasn’t totally myself. I think there was something funny in my soda.
Josh: That’s why they call it a rum and coke.

Did you try to keep it secret?  
Kelly: I asked Josh if it was okay for two players to date.
Josh: And I told her it had never really come up.
Kelly: Still, we thought it would be weird, so we decided not to tell anyone.
Josh: Until we realized we were standing on the skylight and the whole party could see us.
Kelly: They were actually applauding.

Fans worried that the relationship would be a distraction, but you had no trouble against Oklahoma State.
Kelly: Josh keeps me grounded.
Josh: Which is tough when fans are always asking for her autograph.

Does that make you jealous?
Josh: You know what? I’ve got a great girlfriend, I’m on a winning team, and this girl with the ponytail sticking out of her helmet is gonna lead us to the national championship. Maybe win the Heisman, too.
Kelly: I can’t wait to see what Rooster says about that.

You’re talking about star running back Rooster Henderson. How does he feel about your relationship?
Kelly: Rooster doesn’t spend too much time on things that aren’t Rooster-related.
Josh: Ha! He thought this was his Heisman season. And he’s sure getting a lot of yards, thanks to Kelly’s trick plays. But I think she’s getting all the credit.

There has been talk of an interview on ESPN’s SportsCenter. Any commet?
Kelly: [Athletic Director] Mr. Flasko wants it, so I guess it will happen. Probably within a week. I’m already nervous. I’ve never been on TV before.
Josh: You get interviewed after every game!
Kelly: But I just talk about my plays. Mr. Flasko wants me to say all this scripted stuff.
Josh: You’re good at scripts.
Kelly: But not at improvising. If I start to get flustered…

We’ll leave it at that. Good luck against West Virginia next week.
Kelly: Does every state have a team?
Josh: And then some.
Kelly: I’m not sure I’ll ever understand football.
Josh: You could have fooled me. [Josh kisses her and we took the hint.] 

The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. Learn more here.

Quarterback Kelly Webb’s trick plays once again made the difference in Saturday’s 26-14 win over #18 Texas Tech.

Kelly, the first female quarterback in the history of the FBS, concocted just enough schemes to keep victory for the upset-minded Red Raiders out of reach.

Kelly explained some of the plays to reporters afterwards. “I’ve been studying crystal growth, and realized that the offensive line could spread like Bravais lattice nucleation,” she said, referring to a blocking scheme that let Rooster Henderson dash for a 68-yard touchdown in the first quarter. “And I taught Augie [Howard] how to strike like a cobra,” which led to four sacks on the day for the middle linebacker.

As always, Kelly found her favorite target, wide receiver Josh Miller. She connected with him on two touchdown strikes, one for 17 yards (“based on centripetal acceleration”) and one for 36 (“comet trajectories”).

The Jackrabbits are now 8-1 and ranked #9 in the BCS standings. Still, there seems to be little respect for Kelly’s trick plays from the pundits. Sports Illustrated's Peter King wrote, “UWT would never stand a chance against an Alabama or Notre Dame, because gadget plays don't win championships.” The New York Times' Pete Thamel tweeted, “Watching the Jackrabbits is fun, but it's not real football.”

Still, enough pollsters and computers like UWT enough that, if they win out, they will be in a BCS bowl for the first time in school history, possibly even the national championship game. 

When told this, Kelly said, “So if we win enough games, we have to play another game and win that, too? This scholarship is getting worse all the time.”

The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here

After defeating Baylor with plays based on animal movements and demolishing Oklahoma with Napoleonic tactics, quarterback Kelly Webb turned to the stars to stun #3 Kansas State in overtime in Manhattan.

"I love astronomy," the first female quarterback in major college football told reporters afterward the 40-37 victory. "So I just looked at how gravity curved space-time to get ideas on how our offense should move."

While objects move differently in a vacuum, Kelly added, “Concepts like momentum and inertia are the same throughout the universe.”

Kelly created a play based on NASA’s probes, which slingshot around planets to accelerate. Running back Rooster Henderson used a similar effect to loop around the entire Wildcat secondary for a 36-yard score in the middle of the second quarter.

And just as Saturn’s moons “shepherd” the material in its rings, Kelly called for both tight ends to flank wide receiver Josh Miller on a post route, giving him a 53-yard touchdown catch that kept the Jackrabbits in the game.

Defensively, Kelly trained the linebackers to “gravitate” towards the ball, causing three fumbles and five sacks. 

Rooster Henderson, now a certain Heisman contender, told reporters, “You probably couldn’t see me, ‘cause I was traveling faster than light!” Kelly added, “I don’t know — that’s 186,000 miles per second.”

Either way, UWT is shooting astronomically through the BCS rankings. With a road win over the #3 team, the Jackrabbits could be looking at a top-ten ranking as they head into November. There are already rumors about an ESPN interview for Kelly and a College Gameday appearance at the Jackrabbits’ season finale against Texas.

When asked if she knew how many people watch ESPN’s SportsCenter, Kelly replied, “Probably way too many.” 

The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here



At the jubilant post-game press conference after the University of West Texas’ stunning upset of #9 Oklahoma, quarterback Kelly Webb gave all the credit to Napoleon.

"I spent the whole week studying his tactics and realized they could be used by both our offense and defense."

Kelly’s trick plays started on the Sooners’ first possession, when Kelly re-enacted the Siege of Toulon, which launched Napoleon’s career. The result here in 2012 was a sack of OU quarterback Landry Jones and a fumble, recovered by UWT linebacker Augie Howard.

On the very next play, Kelly emulated Napoleon’s famous “hinge strategy” that divided the Sooners’ defense, creating a huge hole for running back Rooster Henderson, allowing him to run 42 yards for the first score of the night.

The rout was on.

"I pretty much went through Napoleon’s entire career. In the first quarter, I called plays based on his Italian campaigns, including the Battle of the Bridge of Arcole, which got Josh a touchdown," said Kelly, referring to star wideout Josh Miller, who once again caught three touchdown passes. 

"In the second quarter, I based plays on Napoleon’s Egyptian battles and his Ulm campaign. The third quarter, of course, was Austerlitz."

Considered to be Napoleon’s greatest victory, in the Battle of Austerlitz, Napoleon deliberately weakened his right flank and hid reinforcements behind a hill. Kelly did the same thing by lining up in a trips left formation and bringing both the tight end and Henderson to the left. The OU defense rushed to the weakened right side, only to be surprised when Barry Adragna, an offensive lineman who was designated an eligible receiver for the play, caught Kelly’s short pass and rumbled 61 yards untouched for a touchdown. That raised the Jackrabbits’ lead to 23 and sent Sooner fans to the exits.

"Rivoli, Marengo, Jena, Medellin — all of Napoleon’s victories lead to big plays for us," Kelly told reporters afterwards. The final score was 41-18.

When it was Rooster Henderson’s turn to speak, he had his own question for reporters. “Wait — are you saying we won today because of some dead French guy?”

The Jackrabbits improve to 6-1 and are sure to move up in the BCS rankings. Next week, the team travels to #4 Kansas State — a game that looked like a certain defeat after week one, when UWT lost to Fresno State, 35-3. But with Kelly Webb’s clever plays based on science, nature, and history, the Jackrabbits have knocked off a top-10 team and now have a chance to beat a top-5 team, which has never happened in history. But when did Napoleon ever care about precedent?

The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here.   


When #20 University of West Texas hosted the Baylor Bears last night, QB Kelly Webb turned to the natural world.

"The offensive line always struck me as an animal herd protecting the ball carrier," she told reporters after the game. "And the defensive players are like predators who are hunting the ball."

Kelly concocted fifteen gadget plays based on animal movements, and the Jackrabbits survived a shootout with the Bears, 42-38, in front of another sellout crowd.

"I read Optimal Evasion and Avoidance Tactics in Predator-Prey Interactions, by Weihs and Webb, for inspiration,” said Kelly. “Their work on sighting angle trajectories let Josh get wide open for several big gains.” She was referring to her favorite target, wide receiver Josh Miller, who had 11 catches, 3 for touchdowns.

At times, she had the offensive line move like a herd of elephants fighting off lions; at others, the team moved with the grace and speed of gazelles. Another “animal,” running back Rooster Henderson, benefited from the strategy; he finished with 205 yards on just 22 carries.

On the other side of the ball, Kelly used the movement of wolf packs, hawks, sharks, and other predators to harass the Bears’ vaunted offense, which had scored 63 points against #17 West Virginia. The result was two fumbles, two interceptions, a blocked punt, and three sacks of Baylor quarterback Nick Florence.

Kelly also used hunting and tracking techniques, such as short halts and passive counter tracking, to confuse Florence. At one point, she had middle linebacker Augie Howard conduct a loop ambush drill, a military maneuver, to force a Baylor fumble on 2nd and goal.

The Jackrabbits are now 5-1 for the first time in forty years. Athletic Director Flasko made a rare appearance at the post-game press conference to say, “I’ll admit, Coach Walker and I only named Kelly the quarterback as a publicity stunt. I never knew she’d use her brains to help us actually win games. By the way, you’ll be able to buy “UWT Beats Baylor” shirts in the campus bookstore on Monday.”

"I don’t like all these wacko plays, but at least we’re winning," said Rooster Henderson after the victory. "And I’m looking pretty good for the NFL scouts — and the Heisman voters."

The Jackrabbits are now in the Heisman race, the conference race, and possibly even the national title race; BCS rankings are announced today at 4:30 Central time.

When asked if she was going to watch the BCS rankings special on ESPN, Kelly replied, “What’s the BCS?” 

The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here.  



You could say a wave washed the visiting Kansas Jayhawks out of Jackrabbits Stadium last night. 

QB Kelly Webb concocted over a dozen trick plays based on wave functions, which confused the Jayhawks on both offense and defense. Sound waves, gravitational waves, shock waves… “If it has a constant velocity independent of amplitude, I used it,” Kelly proudly told the mostly baffled press corps afterwards. 

Kelly said she came up with the idea of using waves on the gridiron because “football is, in many ways, about a transfer of energy through space.” Running back Rooster Henderson added, “Yeah, that’s how John Madden would have put it.”

One play, which sent Henderson into traverse motion while the offensive line moved longitudinally, produced a 63-yard touchdown just minutes into the first quarter. In the second quarter, with the score tied at 10, Kelly instructed middle linebacker Augie Howard to move the secondary as a sinusoidal traveling plane wave in refraction, which led to an interception. 

Kansas head coach Charlie Weis had few answers for reporters. “I’ve never seen football players move like that. We’d move left, they’d move right. All I know is, I’m getting graphic calculators for my entire offensive line.” 

In the fourth quarter, with fans sensing a victory, Jackrabbit Rabbit stadium broke into its own wave — the standing-then-sitting kind. “That was great,” Kelly told reporters. “Their metachronal rhythm showed me the fans knew what was going on. Maybe I actually educated a few people?”

Maybe. At the very least, here’s some math for Jackrabbit fans: UWT starts the season 4-1 for the first time since 1978.

The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here.